The Battlefield of My Mind

The Battlefield of My Mind

They don’t tell you that being over forty comes with a war nobody else can see. It’s not about bills, wrinkles, or responsibilities — it’s a fight inside my head. Every day, my conscious mind — the part of me that craves what society calls “right” — goes head-to-head with my subconscious mind, the voice of God pulling me toward what’s truly meant for me.

My Second Wind… or My Second War?

They say your forties are the “second wind,” the time to take everything you’ve learned and turn it into something powerful. But how can I step into that when my mind feels like a battlefield? How do I make the best of my second wind when my heart and my habits keep pulling in different directions?

Awake and Restless

I’ve been awake for a long time. I see past the normal thinking of society. Past religion. Past politics. I see the good and the evil in people like a sixth sense. And because I can see so clearly, I know better.

That’s why this war is so exhausting — because I’m not choosing between “I don’t know” and “I do know.” I do know. I know I’m off course. And I know I’m not walking in my purpose.

When Actions Don’t Match Purpose

Instead of leaning into the calling I feel deep in my soul, I’ve been distracting myself. Scrolling dating sites. Posting provocative pictures on Facebook. Pouring hours into trying to boost my social media numbers.

Back in May, I vowed to God that I would be a vessel of love for others — that I would lift people up, see them, and pour into them. But lately? I’ve been doing the opposite. I’ve been turning the focus on myself, becoming a “look at me” person instead of a “look at you” person.

Choosing the Winner

My second wind is waiting. My purpose is waiting. But right now, I’m still in the middle of this battlefield — conscious versus subconscious, carnal versus divine.

The question is… which side am I going to let win?